Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
