i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
