I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
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I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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