You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
