They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
