Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
