The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
