so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
