so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
