I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
