I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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