You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
