Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
