I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
