i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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