so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
