I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
