Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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