Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
