She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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