What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
