He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
