so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
