thus making me awesome and them whores
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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