I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
