My sheets look like a crime scene.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
