Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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