I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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