I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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