I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have feelings that need drinking.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
