we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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