I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
