I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
