My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
