Where are you?
In a non slutty way
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
