why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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