I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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