how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
