I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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