I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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