So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
