This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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