Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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Is Oprah even human
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize