look no pants
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
