Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
