I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
