A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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