Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
