Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
