I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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