I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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