my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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