he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
