I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
