this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
