Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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