you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
