At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
